One of the Raising Global Teens topics that has received a lot of buzz is how best to address sexual health with our preteens and teens. Many parents report its hard to know what to say and when. Teens say it can feel awkward to talk about issues like sexting and consent with adults. The ‘sex ed’ discussion should not be just one ‘big talk,’ but more of a layered approach with key concepts sprinkled into everyday conversations. It should start early in life, be built over time, and be based on the developmental level, maturity, peer group, and the prevalent culture experienced by your child. Need a few tips? Here is an excerpt from the book that can help you start this difficult conversation starting from ages 2 years all the way up to age 18+.
The ‘sex ed’ discussion should not be just one ‘big talk,’ but more of a layered approach with key concepts sprinkled into everyday conversations. It should start early in life, be built over time, and be based on the developmental level, maturity, peer group, and the prevalent culture experienced by your child. Have you ever made lasagna? There are many recipes, but they are all based on layers: pasta sheets followed by a sauce then cheese and more pasta and so on. The dish is not always easy to make and a bit time consuming to do from scratch, but it creates a substantial meal. Here are some tips for creating your own ‘sex ed lasagna.’ The age groups are approximate. Some kids may be mature enough to have certain conversations even earlier than the age range suggested.
• Ages 2 to 4 Kids this age should know the right words for private body parts, such as ‘penis’ and ‘vagina.’ Also, where a baby comes from. They won’t understand all the details of reproduction – so keep it simple.
• Ages 4 to 5 You could tell kids how a baby is born. For example, “When you were ready to be born, you came out through mom’s vagina.” A major focus at this age should be creating boundaries and discussing what is and isn’t appropriate touch. Your discussion should make clear that kids have a say over their bodies – which helps them stay safe and lays the foundation for understanding consent.
• Ages 5 to 6 You could provide a general idea of how babies are made. “Your mom and dad made you,” or “A cell inside dad called a sperm joined together with a cell inside mom called an egg.”
• Ages 6 to 7 At this age, you can start to provide a basic explanation of intercourse and relationships. “Sex is one of the ways people show love for each other. When the penis and the vagina fit together, sperm moves through the penis to the egg.” It’s important to introduce kids of this age 131 group to the idea that families and relationships can be built in various ways. For example, some kids may have two moms or two dads or several co-parents and caregivers. Also, that gender can be fluid.
• Ages 7 to 9 Kids should know that sex is important and should be positive but is something that you can wait for. According to Cory Silverberg, sex educator and author of Sex is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Feelings and YOU, this is also a good time to mention masturbation as something that is normal but should be done in private. Also, that pornography is not a realistic portrayal of a healthy relationship, and to remind them that no one should be touching or hurting them.
• Ages 9 to 12 At this age, talking about sex can go along with discussing puberty. It is important to check and ask how they are feeling about their bodies. Start to have conversations about sexual choices and reiterate your family views. Many kids may be increasingly aware of their gender and sexual orientation. Explain that there can be a range of identities and that it is important to respect other people’s choices. This is an age where kids may be online or getting a phone. Remember to discuss Internet safety and digital citizenship. For example, the consequences of sharing nude images by phone, whether they are your own or someone else’s.
• Ages 12 to 14 By now, kids are developing their own values, so check in regularly. Discuss the responsibilities of being sexually active, benefits of having human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine, effects of pornography, the importance of positive relationships, and consent. Consider Schalet’s ABCD model and focus on Autonomy, Building healthy relationships, keeping Connected, and understanding Diversity and differences.
• Ages 14 to 16 Teens may begin to start experimenting or thinking about a relationship. It is an important time to review the basics of contraception, preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. Also, discuss the effects of alcohol and drugs on consent. Finally, reiterate the core values and beliefs you may have and the importance of developing intimacy gradually and maintaining self-worth in relationships.
• Ages 16 to 18 Understand what peers might be engaging in and keep the conversations open. Encourage them to think about what a positive and healthy relationship means and to develop the skills that will help them to make good decisions. Continue to educate your teens about the effects of drugs and alcohol on consent. Discuss the importance of using protection and getting screened for STIs. Remind them that you will be there if they have any issues or concerns.
• Age 18+ As teens become independent or leave home, empower them to seek care on their own, particularly for STI and HIV screening, pregnancy prevention, and so on.